September 1, 2024
Being a parent (or Grandparent) in this day and age is not easy, no matter what age they (and you) are. As part of my "writer's toolbox" I read a weekly motivational email geared toward business inspiration. I recently read "parenting is like running a business and YOU are the CEO." I don't think I ever drew that parallel before. It changes the perspective.
As the school year commences, we expect children to carry the family values to the outside world, without you seeing their behavior or them hearing your words. Not easy! You can start by focusing on their best behavior and positive outcomes when they are right there in front of you. Whoa! "How can I possibly go about my day AND keep an eye and ear on them all the time?" you ask.
Well, like pretty much everything we learned (them too), it starts with practice, practice, practice! In some ways, it is easier when you have more than one child and can work with the interactions between them. This works well for Grandparents, too, so please share this with them.
If the "Y"ounger child is pestering the "O"lder one... how does it usually play out? Does one of them start yelling or shoving the other? What's your response? So let's say "Y" mimics every word that "O" says. That can be annoying! Not just annoying to "O" but to you, too. How do you handle it? How long before you intervene?
Lots to think about here. If "O" starts off by saying "... Com'on stop, will Ya?" Or, "If you want me to pay attention to you I will, but only after I can finish what I need to get done. Keep bugging me and I won't be done for an hour!" These can be easy cues for you to listen to. If this has been an ongoing thing between the two, it may escalate pretty quickly. Then what?
Can you picture yourself addressing this with a good outcome? How about if you stop the interaction and tell "O" that their response was really great! Then, you can ask "Y" to tell you later, when you are ready to talk, why they acted like that. It gives time for accepting the positive feedback with the one and time for reflection for the instigator to, hopefully, be able to see that this got them nowhere and the sibling got praise!
Helping kids to self-regulate emotions and behavior is not easy, but is teachable!
If you need a little help in this area, I hope you will consider getting my book, You Can't Make Me! In it, there are instructions for the reader on how to use the book, starting with "go to the chapter on the emotion you think you are experiencing." This helps them to correctly identify what is going on. If the first choice is not a good fit, try another. Next, I explain the benefits of journaling so they can go back when / if it happens again and try another way to handle it. I let the parents know the value of encouragement without being invasive...Let them try handling the issue and let them know you'll be there if they need to discuss something or want your help! Oh yes, and parents need to take a lot of deep breaths!
Have a great school year!
Halina Schafer
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